From our gardening correspondent, Flora Rusticus-Arfcut
Excitement is mounting as we approach the annual Blogsdon-on-Libby Garden and Horticultural Show, with annual rosettes for the town’s greenest fingers.
This year there are two ladies of the female gender (Copyright: Daddies’ Sauce) amongst the final entrants. Our local Worshipful Honourableship the Lady Mayor M.Reid, despite her onerous official duties, has embellished her entry of some stunning Florafludula (check this species – it sounds like made-up nonsense – do you really know anything about gardening, you numpty? – Ed).
As if that wasn’t enough, we have another worshipful honourableship amongst the contenders in the shape Madam S Fletcher, Mayor of neighbouring Stackton-Trestle (surely “Stockton”? – Ed) (That wouldn't be funny - Flora) (It's very old anyway - are you paying royalties to Hinge and Brackett?- Ed) with an entry of such seriousness that it surely transcends your humble gardening correspondent’s descriptory description skills.
Other than those floribunduous entries, it's all the good menfolk of Blogsdon-on-Libby who are currently bent over in their greenhouses applying Babybio to their parsnips and polishing up their marrows in preparation for this year’s show.
All the entrants are listed here on the Blogsdon-on-Libby Garden and Horticultural Society’s web site.
It seems unseemly to mention it, but that never stopped us in the past (go on, I’m interested now – Ed) but it is fair to say that this year’s vegetable and flower rosettes procedures have not been without a smidgeon of fraternal and sororal, not to mention brotherly and sisterly, controversy. There have been whisperings of disquiet over the Society’s President Sir Pass-the-Mingles Grace (Junior) (Retired). There have also been whisperings that certain revered members of the society were excluded from the final exhibits list because of their criticism of Young Sir Mingles’ handling of the mid-season radish competition.
Your correspondent is satisfied, however, after exhaustive enquiries, that there is no truth in these rumours. This organ has obtained a copy of the preliminary informal tot-ups from the judging panel’s Aspidistra expert, Professor Short, which makes it clear that local Manure Value taxation specialist, Farmer Jock Coat-Off has just as much reason to complain (which he hasn’t – preferring instead continued intense study of Manure Value taxation) (How much longer is this drivel going on – Ed?) and he didn’t whisper a word about Sir Mingles during the long season. Farmer Blogs from Norfolk did, and is also a much-missed entrant from the final judging, being a most energetic turner of the fertiliser who has produced an exceptionally high quality output of potatoes. Perhaps he needs to work on the size, quality and polish of his marrows - farbeit for me to comment. Because, as we all know, the judges love nothing more than a big, fat, shiny, firm marrow. (Come off it, you can't go on like this - you'll get us referred to the Obsecene Publications Squad - Ed)
This correspondent tips the entry from our local radio station KEEQ-AM (Pronounced “Quaequam”) who have produced a steady stream of nice big, firm, substantial….marrows. It seems a sure winner, perhaps in several categories, and most assuredly in the best-in-show class. Hopefully they have not blotted their copy-book for the best turned-out rosette too much by scrawling “PRONOUNCED MAR-ROW“ over one of their prize marrows in large black felt tip pen. After all, the judges are experts in horticultural pronunciation. Professor Short himself is expert in his terms, often baffling other society members with his abundant Latinate verbiage amongst the foliage.
A remarkable display of multi-coloured squashes has been entered by J.Bonkers Esq. He may well confound this tipster and take the Best in Show prize.
This tipster may also be confounded (spreading your bets eh? You're useless! After this crud I'm going to hire a real gardening correspondent – Ed) (But you would have to pay them money - Flora) by a remarkable entry from the local zoo-keeper F.Heffalump Esq. This entry contains an extraordinary collection of zoocchini (Geddit?!).
The King of the Long Cucumber, A.Daddy is also a strong possibility to win. What a marvellous output of beautifully crafted produce he has....er...produced.
Although a strong contender for the non-existent category of “Highest Volume Output of Medium-sized Petits Poids”, this correspondent does not expect any rosettes for Society member L.Burblings who has been pestering the judging panel day and night with small, ill-formed courgettes masquerading under the category of “Marrow”. Tut. Tut.
But as they say in gardening.....er…that’s gardening. (that's a relief, more like - Ed)